Rare Side Effects

Posted by on Feb 20, 2013 in Uncategorized | 0 comments

Poison_Ivy_Tragedy_003

Poison Ivy Tragedy

I’m come to the conclusion that am a rare and unusual side effect. Of what, I don’t know.

You know all those warnings that almost everyone does fine on food/drug/herb _______ (fill in the blank)? You know how you always secretly think that .01% who complains is actually just insane? Yeah, well, I’m here to speak for the .01%. I used to think the reason I never gotten into drinking and/or drugs was that I was such a good person. While that may be partly true, it’s also that all drugs and alcohol make me feel terrible. It’s not exactly a temptation to drink if you get migraine headaches from alcohol, is it? I’ve never tried illegal drugs, but since I can barely tolerate an allergy pill, I’m not tempted to try.

To illustrate my point, I want to tell you about a vegetable smoothie I once made. Correction: it was a juiced drink. This is different than a smoothie because all the fruits and vegetables you put into the drink are highly concentrated. This “relaxation” juice called for carrots (yum), celery (whatever), and fennel (?). Within about 15 minutes, I felt like I’d taken three Tylenol with Codeine (which, I must add, I used to have an Rx for because of terrible cramps). I felt like I’d floated outside my body. It was better than yoga class.

It made me feel slightly better that my boyfriend passed out at 7 p.m. and never awoke until the next morning. I looked up all the ingredients and found that in rare and unusual cases, fennel can act like a drug in the body. If you’re one of those people trying to get off illicit drugs, I suggest you try juicing the legal fennel. I know you don’t believe me, but honestly, how many people drink juiced fennel? I doubt there’s much data out there on the effects of fennel in its concentrated form. Try it and tell me if it’s just me. I’ll never juice that veggie again.

I decided to try the “wonderful” progesterone cream. Totally natural. Drove me totally crazy also. Of course, in rare cases, it can cause things like paranoia and depression. Well, what do you know?

The only natural foods I’ve found that help are: chia seeds (amazing) and ginger tea (a miracle cure for everything). I’ve also decided to deal with PMS, I’m going back to what I did in high school: drink blackberry brandy. Forget all these “herbal” remedies. One shot of brandy, cramps are gone and you are dead asleep in 15 minutes. Of course, you can’t really go anywhere, but if you were suffering enough, I doubt you were going to go anywhere.

I’m starting to think regular food might be my best bet. These vegetable and herb preparations are killing me. Yesterday’s dinner: gluten-free barbeque chicken pizza with just a touch of cheese and dark chocolate covered almonds. No herbs or vegetables whatsoever. How do I feel? Great.

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