Writing, Motherhood and Humor

Office Girl

9780984867646Office Space meets Sex and the City when one chronically underemployed English teacher settles on a job at a corporate office. In humorous essays and vignettes on teaching, life in a dull office, and romantic escapades, Carey RavenStar Robin searches for the perfect job and perfect romance. Based on a true story.

Order Office Girl here.

* * * Excerpt * * *


To get hired at America’s Vision and Dental, I had to go on five separate interviews. First the HR woman interviewed me, then the manager, then the V.P. of public relations, then the Director of Compliance, and finally a panel of people from the whole office. I had to come in three different times for the five interviews. Little did I know that in the four years I’d be at AVD, I’d report to seven different people.

This is why I can’t get anywhere in life. Well, it’s one of the many reasons. I am terrible at interviews. I am thoroughly convinced that I got this job because AVD was worse than me at interviews. They were disorganized and asked cliché questions.

Them: What are your weaknesses?
Me: Chocolate. Well, and men who compliment me.
Them: What is your greatest strength?
Me: My ability to color code things by paper clip color.
Them: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always longed to spend 7.5 hours a day in a small, compact, gray space.
Them: What would you do if your bosses both wanted you to do something at the same time, but you could only do one?
Me: Learn to juggle.
Them: Why do you want to be a secretary? Won’t you be bored?
Me: Me? Bored? Oh no! Believe it or not, I’m giving up a life of riches and fame to take this job. That’s just how much I want to be a secretary. I got really sick of traveling the world. You can imagine how many chiropractic adjustments you need due to all the plane rides around the world. Traveling is very hard on the back, you know. And the expensive, tailored gowns! Oh and the talented, rich and handsome men ogling me at every turn was its own cross to bear. The long days with nothing to do but sit on my veranda by the ocean were growing old. It was after my butler served yet another round of appetizers that the ingenious idea occurred to me – become a secretary. It seemed like it would be a job filled with far more excitement than the one I had been living. After all, the root word of secretary is secret and it promised to be a job filled with mystery and intrigue. I always dreamed of sitting in an ergonomic chair and getting flowers on secretary’s day. As a secretary, I get to make travel arrangements, thus seeing the world from my ergonomic chair on wheels. No longer do I have to eat heavy, tempting meals. There’s no need to spend weeks in weight-loss spas or any of that. No, no, I’ll just eat Lean Cuisine on my lunch while browsing the Internet. Of course, now I’ll have to be downgraded to a mere administrative assistant so the others won’t be envious. But I will insist upon calling myself a secretary, even if it is only in secret.